ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
