Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
