i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
