I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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