Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
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Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
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Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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