Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
two words: eviction party
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
