You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
