Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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