remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
