someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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