i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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