it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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