It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
