She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
