I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
