i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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