What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
