sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Someone shattered a urinal.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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