u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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