Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize