You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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