i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
