is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
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Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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