I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
