I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
