i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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