i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
