So drunk, too bad you don't want this
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize