Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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