Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
