We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
