I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
