why do cheetos always look like penises
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Randomize
