I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
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We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
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My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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