So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
PANTIES FOUND
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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