Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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