This is not my ceiling
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
