u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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