Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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