The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
