tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
They left me at home... I'm a liability
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
