Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
