I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
