I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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