I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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