I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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