It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
