You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
