Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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