Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
this is an emotional support booty call
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
