i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
