Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
