i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
