if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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