I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
