hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
