Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
