On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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