Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
