I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
