I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
