I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I could fuck to npr.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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